when we reach the end of our hoarded resources

i feel like a lot of things that my parents told me when i was younger are beginning to make sense:

me: why do people do that?
parents: because they don't have the Lord

i guess id usually feign understanding, only to scurry off moments later and realize i had no idea what that meant to me...

but i guess this semester has been a mini "coming of age." not trying to sound holier than thou, or super-experienced, but i feel like im beginning to learn the meaning of that statement.

im beginning to realize that id be nowhere without the Lord in my life. yuck. that sounds so spiritual. i still have a lot of confidence in myself, but i feel like the Lord is breaking me this semester. spirit soul and body. without the Lord, i turn to those same things that so many others try to draw satisfaction from. and more and more i realize that the Lord is really what matters.

not outward forms, not how many meetings i go to, not superficial spirituality, not organized religion, not obligation, not good morals, nothing. just the genuine experience of Christ as life.

i feel like i just want the Lord, the Reality, the Way. thank God im starting to learn.

Praise the Lord for starting. we're learning to turn, learning to take, learning to feed upon Jesus. thank God for the learning.

Lord, teach me the wondrous secret of abiding in you.

our Father's full giving is only begun.

a desperate prayer

its amazing how many spiritual experiences of mine go undocumented. i once heard in lecture that "its easy to be stirred up about something in the moment, but actually doing something about it is another story." i chuckled, and took note of how similar it is with my spiritual life.

yet something inside of me longs to instill permanence into these spiritual epiphanies. maybe i want to look back and see how real the Lord was to me, even if i was in a spiritual slump at the time. and something deep within wants all of these memories to remain, so that id be able to shepherd younger ones in the near future through my experience rather than just plain doctrine.

thy mighty love, o God, constraineth me,
as some strong tide it presseth on its way,
seeking a channel in my self-bound soul,
yearning to sweep all barriers away.

its nice that the Lord always comes to us through his love, but is he really taking advantage of any remote opening in my being? sometimes i doubt that, but my prayer is still that the lord would find a channel in my self-bound soul. Lord, find a channel, and flow through today.

i was touched that we need to trust in the Lord more. "in order to trust this One, we need to spend time with this One, and get to know this One." something inside of my being said amen when i heard that. i feel like ive had a rough rough semester, and my emotional state has been unstable and for the most part, depressed. not trying to sound super spiritual, but most of this semester has been just me and the Lord. i guess some of the people id always turn to in the past arent always available anymore, and sometimes i just grow weary of the corporate enjoyment. but my God has never left me. no doubt im in a slump, but somehow i feel like the Lord is more real to me now than He was during my problem-free freshman yr, or relatively simple sophomore year. ive spent a lot of personal time with Father, whether it be walking to class, or first thing in the morning as i slump over my desk half-asleep. it's become a means of survival, really. just telling Him everything that's on my mind. and being completely honest and open to Him. its a special type of personal time that i felt ive never shared with Him before, and something about it is remotely comforting. at least some of the time.

i don't feel like i worry about school-related things that much. usually it's just the weariness that creeps over me as the day wears to its close. but there are other things i may not trust the Lord in. my prayer is that i'd trust in the Lord in all things, that i'd learn to surrender all my fears, all my anxieties, and all my concerns fully unto the Lord. Be real to me Lord. I feel like I dont even care about anything else anymore. I just want to touch You. I want to touch something living, something real.

and i guess i can have the assurance that the more time i spend with the Lord, and the more i pray to him what's on my heart...eventually the trust will come.